Today I ended up talking with my individual therapist for ages about gender stuff, even though I didn’t really want to. I’ve left feeling a bit fed up about that but maybe I should trust her that she knows what’s important? I mean, it is important, I just didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t know.
One thing she said that was awkward was when I had mentioned that I bind my chest sometimes, and later she brought it up and said that I bind my breasts. Urghh
Then we talked a bit about how I expect my feelings to be dismissed as me ‘making a fuss’, as this has repeatedly been my experience, especially within my family.
I’ve been thinking about that more and I think it goes even further for me. I have been told so many times that I’m making a fuss about nothing when I talk about my feelings that I have started to believe it. I have started seeing myself as attention seeking. I find it hard to trust that my own feelings are genuine (though they sure as hell feel it!). In short, I have believed my own bad press.
This dismissiveness is linked in with guilt. I’ve been made to feel bad for making other people feel bad or uncomfortable due to me showing my thoughts or feelings. This is also especially true of my family relationships, and the guilt is especially true with my mother.
At the end of the session I asked my therapist with whom she’d share the information about my gender confusion, and she said she would tell the group leaders. Aargh! How awkward and embarrassing! I feel bad enough with her knowing. One of the only reasons I told her was because my GP said that I should. Gah.
Thankfully there’s no group session next week, it’s on hiatus between the psychoeducational sessions and the therapy proper. I’ll still be having an individual session next week. But I know I’m going to feel hyper uncomfortable in the group knowing that the group leaders know about it.
Why do I feel so exposed and ashamed about this? I think part of it is because I feel so unsure, it makes me feel particularly vulnerable about it. Also, gender can be such a taboo subject, a lot of people have very rigid and judgemental ideas about it and I’m aware of that.