MBT Week 6: Individual session

Today I ended up talking with my individual therapist for ages about gender stuff, even though I didn’t really want to. I’ve left feeling a bit fed up about that but maybe I should trust her that she knows what’s important? I mean, it is important, I just didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t know.

One thing she said that was awkward was when I had mentioned that I bind my chest sometimes, and later she brought it up and said that I bind my breasts. Urghh

Then we talked a bit about how I expect my feelings to be dismissed as me ‘making a fuss’, as this has repeatedly been my experience, especially within my family.

I’ve been thinking about that more and I think it goes even further for me. I have been told so many times that I’m making a fuss about nothing when I talk about my feelings that I have started to believe it. I have started seeing myself as attention seeking. I find it hard to trust that my own feelings are genuine (though they sure as hell feel it!). In short, I have believed my own bad press.

This dismissiveness is linked in with guilt. I’ve been made to feel bad for making other people feel bad or uncomfortable due to me showing my thoughts or feelings. This is also especially true of my family relationships, and the guilt is especially true with my mother.

At the end of the session I asked my therapist with whom she’d share the information about my gender confusion, and she said she would tell the group leaders. Aargh! How awkward and embarrassing! I feel bad enough with her knowing. One of the only reasons I told her was because my GP said that I should. Gah.

Thankfully there’s no group session next week, it’s on hiatus between the psychoeducational sessions and the therapy proper. I’ll still be having an individual session next week. But I know I’m going to feel hyper uncomfortable in the group knowing that the group leaders know about it.

Why do I feel so exposed and ashamed about this? I think part of it is because I feel so unsure, it makes me feel particularly vulnerable about it. Also, gender can be such a taboo subject, a lot of people have very rigid and judgemental ideas about it and I’m aware of that.


6 thoughts on “MBT Week 6: Individual session

  1. Family opinions can be destructive. We shouldn’t allow them to criticise us for being different to their ideas.

    Awareness of people’s prejudices doesn’t help when we’re trying to come out about something. I imagine when you share with these people, it will never be confidential to that one person, but it is usually on a need to know basis. I’m sure it is nothing new to the group leaders and I do hope it transpires as helpful

    You are bound to feel vulnerable and exposed but try be proud for being so courageous

    • Thank you, Cat. I’m still wrestling with whether to mention anything to my family. For now, I think I’ll wait until I am less confused about it. Otherwise I wouldn’t even know what to say!

      I am so glad I don’t have group therapy tomorrow. I am nervous about feeling exposed knowing people know this. You’re right that they need to know in order to help me. I need to keep repeating these rational things to myself.

      • If it were me, I would not discuss it with family until I was sure. You will be going through enough soul searching in the coming months, I’m sure you could do without the additional heartache.

  2. I just wanted to say it’s okay. Gender truly is complicated and confusing. It’s okay to have profoundly mixed and mixed-up feelings about it. I suppose some people just do naturally feel sure about a lot of things, including their gender, and when we compare ourselves to them we can feel ashamed about our own lack of sureness, as if we should be them instead of ourselves. But so much of this is about trying to come home to ourselves, and a part of that is being able to tolerate that sense of not really knowing where home is yet.

    Take care.

    • I love the analogy of coming home to ourselves. I suppose by being so desperate to separate the gender stuff from bpd I might be doing myself a disservice slightly; in a way they are both about discovering who I am, becoming who I want to be, and gaining comfort with those facts.

      Thank you and take care of you also.

  3. Pingback: Borderlion | Group therapy begins

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