Well, today’s session felt like me giving a news report. I felt totally detached from what I was telling her, and I left feeling like she doesn’t really like me. This is a crash from the approval I perceived from her last week.
I know I have issues with relating to her, so desperate for her to approve of me and then today feeling terrible after because I didn’t feel I got that approval.
I told her about the group, and tried to rationalise what people were saying. I know they were probably relating their experiences and not meaning me to apply it so directly to my situation. I know they probably weren’t judging me but I still fear they were.
I know the group leader was probably trying to make me see my dad’s perspective so that I don’t blame myself, not the opposite. If my dad perceived me as hostile and reacted accordingly because he was drunk and just reacting badly to his life, it means it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t to do with me.
Of course, this is all easier said than really believed. How can I feel that my dad’s abuse was anything other than extremely personal and down to me? But these are alternative perspectives for me to think about more.
Last night I had a big relationship talk with one of my partners. He has, for the last two years, been seeing me less and less and prioritising another relationship.
This has been very painful for me and all along I have been trying to get him to be around more, to be at the house he’s supposed to live in with me and my other partner half the time.
Eventually I have not accepted but I have come to an equilibrium with seeing him less and trying to adjust to our now far less serious relationship.
A few weeks ago he told me he was breaking up with her and he wanted to come live with us again.
After much turmoil (including my hospital trip which was also caused by other things), last night we had a big relationship talk and I told him I don’t want him to move back in.
I was very upset and felt very guilty. This is one of the first times I have stood up for my needs and asked for something for myself. My decision.
I feel numb today. I feel like I am scared I’ll regret this big decision and I’m fearful about the future, not knowing if me and my other partner will have to move house or not, not knowing where my relationships will go from here.
I’m left feeling dissatisfied and a bit paranoid after today’s session.