MBT Week 9

Trigger Warning: Descriptions of abusive behaviour

Group

I was discharged from the inpatient unit on Tuesday afternoon, since I seemed able to keep myself safe after the group therapy session. I was able to talk a little bit in the group, and I was quite impressed with myself for that.

I said I had been feeling very suicidal last week and that on Friday I was admitted to hospital and that I had to return there after the session. I felt embarrassed, and it was horrible knowing that everyone else could go home and that I was going back to the ward. I didn’t know then that I would soon be discharged.

I explained that one of the reasons I felt so bad was that a lot of painful memories had been raised for me when I listened to others’ experiences of having violent and abusive fathers. I told them how it made me feel small and helpless. I told them I was scared of feeling that way all the time if I talked more about these memories.

Individual

Then yesterday I met with my individual therapist. I felt ashamed because of everything that’s happened since last week. She said she had been very worried about me then. She talked about it kindly, and put me a little more at ease.

I told her I’m still feeling awful all the time and I described to her (to anyone) for the first time the memories I’m feeling about my dad.

When they happen, the memories are in my body and in my mind, unlike my usual memories which are just replayed in my mind. It feels like they are physically happening now, like a flashback.

I remember my dad’s hand gripping all the way around my skinny upper arm. He’d grab hold of me like that when I tried to get away from him hitting me. I can feel his hand on my arm now. It is also the place where my worst scars are. Was I trying to cut him out of me?

I remember making a triangle to hide in behind the door of mine and my sister’s bedroom: the back of the door made one side and the wardrobe and the wall the second and third.

I’d run up the stairs and bolt into there, pulling the door wide open to hide behind it. It was hopeless though. He’d be thundering up the stairs right after me, and it only made him angrier that I pulled the door in front of him. He’d grab my arm and pull me out and hit me.

The hitting wasn’t even the worst part. The terror beforehand was; trying to get away, and his sudden mood changes.

I can feel his hands where he’d hold my two little wrists in one of his big hands so I couldn’t get away.

I remember once we were all in the living room and he suddenly snapped, lost his temper. He grabbed me and pulled me to the kitchen door, and pulled it open. He picked me up and threw me across the kitchen and then shut the door. It was cold and dark in there.

They used to tell me I was so bad and so badly behaved (that being hit was my fault). I still feel like I am bad inside, that people will find me out as being bad really.

They used to tell me I would be sent away to a school for bad children because I was bad, and I believed them. Perhaps they were just saying it to try to get me to behave, but I was just a kid so I believed them. I didn’t question this belief until really recently, maybe last year sometime.

When I said that last part to my therapist, I was pressing my hand against my chest. That’s where the badness is, in there, inside me. My therapist said she felt sad for me then, that she could really feel the pain I was feeling.

I felt guilty I made her sad but glad she cares about me. I haven’t had that empathy as I haven’t talked about this stuff much and when I have I haven’t always had a very sympathetic response.

She said not to feel guilty because she can cope with her own sadness. That was new to me too. I always feel like I have to protect other people from my feelings, especially my mum. Lots of guilt there.

I still feel depressed and like I’ve decided not to kill myself but I don’t know how to live either. I’m in limbo.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “MBT Week 9

  1. I had a difficult relationship with a father who was also a bully, and it is one of the causes of my BPD, although ‘dad’ does not have a clue… it was something I talked about frequently in the MBT programme.

    Do you still see your father? I do mine, in fact I have almost ended up caring for him which has become an issue in itself, but gradually I am doing less and less, the MBT helped me realise I did not have to be his carer…

    • I’m sorry to hear that, but pleased to hear you were able to talk about it in your therapy sessions.

      I still see my dad, he drinks less now and I find his tempers affect me less and less. We’ve never talked about it properly and my family always pretend nothing was wrong.

  2. I was in the same position as a child. I can share the terror you wrote about in this post and know how very difficult it is to allow ourselves to connect with those painful and traumatic memories. I’ve never had the courage to talk about my experiences. I wrote a post in my blog, reliving one of those terrifying moments. It was the first time I have ever shared it with anyone.

    I think you are very brave. The honesty you share with us – and yourself – can only bring you one thing – HEALING!

    Last week, my Psychiatrist warned me ahead of my own MBT, that at times it is bound to feel worse before it gets better.

    PS I have been writing comments on your blog but recently all my comments were being sent to people’s spam box. If you can locate it, you might find a couple of posts from me.

    Hope you start to feel a bit better soon

    • Thanks Cat, it’s so good to hear from you again. I will check the spam box just in case.

      I am so sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences. It leaves us with such deep wounds.
      Things getting worse before they get better is kind of scary. Sometimes it feels like kill or cure – it can help me if I survive it. It feels like all I’m doing is just about surviving right now.

      I guess we’re all brave for doing just that: surviving.
      Take care x

      • That is all you can do for the time being. We think of ourselves as weak, but nothing could be further from the truth

  3. I’m glad you got out of the hospital so quickly. It’s very brave of you to start talking and remembering. It does feel worse while you’re doing it. Interesting that you start to discover the lies you’ve been told and believed. It’s important too to go at a pace that you can handle. Take care. xox

    • Thanks so much Ellen. You’re right, I need to pace myself. Sometimes I suddenly feel in a rush to get this stuff out of me, I have kept quiet about it for so long. But then it’s out there and I don’t know if I can handle that. X

  4. I am currently writing about gender on my blog and want to ask if it is okay to tag your two posts on gender?

  5. Thanks to the courage you show in your blog, I have had the courage to start talking about my own gender issue – I’ve never admitted it to anyone. I’ve already written a gender post but plan another few and will tag your posts somewhere along the line.

    Thanks!

    • It makes me so happy to hear that! I will scoot over and read your post right now. Well done on your bravery, take credit for that because the bravery is all your own x

  6. Pingback: Borderlion | MBT Group Week 10

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s