Trigger warning: Self injury
It’s really embarrassing walking around with recent cuts on my arm and having people stare. These memories of my dad are haunting me more than I can explain.
Today in the group I managed to say what I wanted to say, namely that:
- I was discharged from hospital last Tuesday afternoon
- Not before having a blazing row with my partner when we stopped to get food on the way back to the hospital.
- I’ve been feeling horrible since coming home, so I’ve just been trying to get through each half an hour or so at a time.
- I’m starting to feel a little bit better now, but I’ve been cutting myself again, so that’s kind of shitty.
I think sharing this was a big achievement for me. I also talked about what my dad was like when I was a kid, and how I always talked back to him/acted up.
One of the group leaders said it was important to see where my dad was coming from and that perhaps my dad perceived me as hostile and that’s why things escalated.
Other members of the group launched into talk about their kids and how it’s so hard to handle badly behaved kids and kids that talk back.
One person said that they could understand where I was coming from and that he was the adult after all. One of the group leaders tried to say something to a similar effect.
The sum total of the group today was that I feel more blamed than ever. I feel more at fault than ever. I feel like it is affirming my view of myself as a naughty, badly behaved child, unworthy of love and deserving of the physical and verbal abuse I got from my dad.
I feel wretched and horrible. I feel unworthy of love now, as an adult. I feel gawky and ashamed. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I feel angry and like the group have let me down, I opened up and I didn’t feel safe with their response.
I felt totally detached when I was talking about my dad. I found it hard to talk and mostly just answered questions. I used to be so scared of people asking me questions in the group but I actually found it helpful. I couldn’t have said half so much without being asked things specifically.
I feel exposed now though. Are they judging me?
Another upshot of this is that I am so glad I don’t already have kids yet. It also makes me apprehensive. Will I ever be ready to have kids? I don’t want to screw them up with my own issues. (That’s aside from the practical aspects of me having a child in the first place.)
Lots to take to my individual therapist on Thursday…
- MBT Week 9 (borderlionblog.wordpress.com)