Individual MBT Week 10

Well, today’s session felt like me giving a news report. I felt totally detached from what I was telling her, and I left feeling like she doesn’t really like me. This is a crash from the approval I perceived from her last week.

I know I have issues with relating to her, so desperate for her to approve of me and then today feeling terrible after because I didn’t feel I got that approval.

I told her about the group, and tried to rationalise what people were saying. I know they were probably relating their experiences and not meaning me to apply it so directly to my situation. I know they probably weren’t judging me but I still fear they were.

I know the group leader was probably trying to make me see my dad’s perspective so that I don’t blame myself, not the opposite. If my dad perceived me as hostile and reacted accordingly because he was drunk and just reacting badly to his life, it means it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t to do with me.

Of course, this is all easier said than really believed. How can I feel that my dad’s abuse was anything other than extremely personal and down to me? But these are alternative perspectives for me to think about more.

Last night I had a big relationship talk with one of my partners. He has, for the last two years, been seeing me less and less and prioritising another relationship.

This has been very painful for me and all along I have been trying to get him to be around more, to be at the house he’s supposed to live in with me and my other partner half the time.

Eventually I have not accepted but I have come to an equilibrium with seeing him less and trying to adjust to our now far less serious relationship.

A few weeks ago he told me he was breaking up with her and he wanted to come live with us again.

After much turmoil (including my hospital trip which was also caused by other things), last night we had a big relationship talk and I told him I don’t want him to move back in.

I was very upset and felt very guilty. This is one of the first times I have stood up for my needs and asked for something for myself. My decision.

I feel numb today. I feel like I am scared I’ll regret this big decision and I’m fearful about the future, not knowing if me and my other partner will have to move house or not, not knowing where my relationships will go from here.

I’m left feeling dissatisfied and a bit paranoid after today’s session.

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7 thoughts on “Individual MBT Week 10

  1. I also struggle with needing the approval of Therapists and I suppose this also applies “on the outside”. I think they want us to see them as empty vessels and the NHS Therapists I have met never try to put their clients at ease. It might help if you try discussing your need for their – and other’s – approval.

    Did the Therapist have any thoughts on your experiences with the group? I think you rationalise this very well. Yes, it is important to see things from your Dad’s perspective, but never if it is making excuses for his behaviour. It is a lot for you to think about, but it seems the Therapy is already working. Unfortunately, that means pain first, peace last.

    You might occasionally regret the decision about your partner, but it sounds as if you could do with your own space right now. Who can tell what might materialise in the future.

    • You’re right, I think the approval thing is definitely something I need to tell her about. It’s something I do with everyone, I guess it’s just more obvious to me in therapy when I’m making myself so vulnerable.

      My therapist said she didn’t agree that it was my fault and she was sympathetic that I felt people were saying so. She didn’t jump down my throat saying it was all about my interpretation of things, I did that to myself!

      Pain first, peace last. Yep, that sounds like therapy! X

      • To set the cat amongst the pigeons…. Perhaps deep down you do feel it was all your fault and maybe over sensitive to what the group members were saying. Perhaps if you discuss how it made you feel, they might re-think what they said and it will be another step in your recovery…

      • I know I should. It’s hard…

      • It is very hard but try hard not to beat yourself up if you are unable to discuss it next week. It might be something that will come up naturally in the future, so don’t force it!

      • Thanks, Cat. I’ll see how it goes. I also wanted to talk about things with my partner moving out, but I’m apprehensive about answering questions about non monogamy. Bah.

      • It’s natural to worry about prejudice’s within the group, but group members have a responsibility for not judging and creating a safe environment for everyone to share aspects of their life that would otherwise be private…. You’ll be fine!

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