Group this week was okay. Someone was feeling very suicidal and the session focused mainly on them, as well as some other people who were having some pressing issues.
I shared the information that I had asked my partner to move out and that he had moved out on Sunday. I didn’t mention that I have another partner who I live with. I didn’t want to get into all that.
I commented on what people had said when I was ‘picked on’ for being quiet. I said that I could really relate to what the suicidal person was saying, and that I know it’s different for everyone but that I was feeling that way just a couple of weeks ago and now things are starting to improve, incrementally.
I also told a member of the group I thought they were brave for offering help to the depressed person, when the person didn’t really want to hear that support. They were braver than I, anyway.
I just got out of my individual session so it’s all a little raw.
My therapist said that the group leaders had said that I had some useful comments for people this week. I was surprised and pleased at that feedback.
I talked about how I felt guilty about my partner moving out. It’s hard for me to stand by my own needs. This is all new to me.
I talked a lot about my family. I told them on Monday that I had been in hospital and also about my partner moving out.
I had expected them to have very little reaction and I was right. That little kid inside me that has never been expressed wanted them to say “I’m sorry things have been hard for ypu” and give me a big hug.
My dad was sullen, silent. My mum was silent and obviously trying to control her emotions – mustn’t show feelings! And my sister, as I expected, came out with something condescending that put the onus back on me.
She said that I could have told them when all this was going on (I waited, not wanting to worry them). She said they were always there for me when I need support.
This is clearly not true! I was being honest with them and getting zero support, zero emotional reaction. How can she say that when faced with two silent parents?
As for her I have called her in an hour of need before and she let me down in the worst way possible. So this statement was an outright lie, implying that if I only reached out to them for support they’d be there. This is simply not the case. I kept quiet. Knowing I’d be blamed for kicking up a fuss if I disagreed. The patterns from childhood continue.