Today I was honest in my response to comments someone made last week. This might sound a normal thing to do, but for me it is a massive big deal, because I am so afraid of being honest in that way.
It feels like a confrontation. It feels like I am exposing myself by showing my feelings. It feels like I will get a massive backlash of anger and potentially violence, rejection.
I suppose this is because of how I was treated in my family. My dad responded to my objections about how he treated me very immediately with verbal or physical abuse. The response from my mum and my sister (and my grandmother, when she was alive) was more complicated.
They’d reject my version of events. They’d write over it with their truth that was agreed on somehow. That our family was normal. That dad just is the way he is and that I was the one causing trouble by not shutting up and keeping my head down. Because I refused to behave well in response to violence. I didn’t want to reward his bad behaviour.
My mum and my sister made me feel rejected and alone for speaking out and responding to bad treatment. They told me the unhappiness in the family was caused by me and my ‘bad behaviour’ (what I am now beginning to see clearly as rebelling again ill treatment) because otherwise dad would have had no one to fight with, there would have been peace.
Clearly this is bullshit. What would have happened? He’d have ruled over our household with no opposition. A tyrant. He pretty much did anyway, my objections probably served no purpose other than to preserve that little flame in me. The flame that now comes out in anger. Anger that I turn on myself, that makes me hate myself for being like him. I’m so scared of becoming him, or becoming walked over like my mother was for so long.
I’m sorry if this is somewhat rambly. It shows the mess that is my head at the moment. And meanwhile I’m supposed to go places, see friends, talk to people, keep appointments. It all feels like too much but I don’t want to let people down. I’m worried they won’t like me. That I’ll end up alone like I feel.