Today was a big getting things off my chest session. I think I feel somewhat lighter because of it, but also have the jitters about having let this stuff out. I’m feeling nervous because my therapist is now away for three weeks.
I talked about the group and that I managed to state how hard it is for me to speak in the group, and that I think everyone’s working really hard. I didn’t feel like the person took full responsibility for what they said last week, but I want to be able to accept that I have said my piece and move on. Easier said than done, I know.
I told my therapist about my weekend away at a convention, and how I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I think a lot of this was due to gender stuff. I was trying out dressing more masculine and using a more gender ambiguous name. This in itself felt good, but at times I felt rejected by groups I have always felt accepted into, and that was devastating.
I know I went along with a real need to feel I belonged somewhere and to get help in knowing who I am. I think if I hadn’t gone along with such a great need I would have found the weekend easier. As it was I ended up escaping to my room in tears too many times.
This has brought up more complicated questions for me about my gender. It is not just about how I feel inside and how I feel about my body, but also for me about politics, my sense of community and where I fit in/how I get acceptance.
I also admitted to her that I like to dress as a little kid and go to events where I act like a little kid. This started as a kink thing with one of my partners but it is non sexual when I go along to these events by myself. It is a way to act little, have fun and let go of responsibility for a day. I’m going along to one such event this Saturday.
I mentioned this to my therapist because last time I went I found that it made me start remembering details of my childhood. Not bad things necessarily, I always remember those, but stuff like foods we ate, TV shows we watched. The memories of how I felt when I was a kid come back when I remember these things, and I’m realising the feelings I had aren’t the ones a kid ought to have. I felt so ashamed and afraid.
Now I am preparing myself for the task of going three weeks without individual therapy. Group is still on for the next two weeks and I think it’ll be tough having things come up and not having anywhere to take them. At the moment my occupational therapist and social worker are away too, although there should be times over the next three weeks when I can get support from them.