I tried to go backwards

Lately I’ve been trying to deny what I have come to understand about my gender. Trying to fit myself back into that woman-shaped box, trying to say that is who I am, who I can be but it’s not and I can’t.

I got to the point where I got scared, things started to get really tough. People started seeing me differently. I retreated. I’ve been trying to dress how people want me to dress. I’ve stopped talking to people about my gender confusion. I’ve been calling myself she sometimes, even.

It’s making me miserable. Even more so this week because I’m menstruating. I feel betrayed by my body as always at this time of the month.

I always feel betrayed by my body. For not matching how I feel about my gender inside. For being unable to fight back when I was abused and raped.

I’m sorry if this is awkward reading. I hope it communicates the intense discomfort I feel with myself. I’m trying to get through the days again. I’m trying to steer gently back closer to feeling more comfortable with myself. I don’t know who I am and it’s a constant game of ‘warmer, colder, freezing’.*

*This is a game our parents used to play with my sister and I when we would be searching for something. They’d say warmer or colder depending on if we were closer or further away from finding something, such as an Easter Egg.


4 thoughts on “I tried to go backwards

  1. I remember that game too…

  2. It is not an easy ‘journey’ but you are exploring it honestly and will find your own way forward

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