MBT Week 16

I’m sitting in a coffee shop after my individual therapy. Everything is very raw and unresolved.

We talked about my upcoming care plan approach meeting, when the people involved in my treatment will come together to discuss how things are going and where best to go from here.

Obviously, part of that answer will be to complete the MBT programme. I’m nervous about the meeting for several reasons:
My gender stuff will become ‘out in the open’
I am very anxious about being in the room with them all
I feel very uncomfortable when people are talking about me, especially when they say encouraging things?
I don’t know what will be said
I’m worried about how I’ll react

My individual therapist was trying to find out why I feel so uncomfortable when people talk about me, especially when they say nice things. We didn’t really get to the bottom of it.

Part of it is that I don’t feel I deserve the attention, I feel embarrassed and exposed. I guess attention being on me has historically been a very negative experience.

Part of it is that I am scared that I will be anxious and grin and laugh and that it will give people the wrong idea about my mood/I’ll look odd/I’ll seem desperate for approval (which I am).

The other thing we talked about a bit is a funeral I went to a couple of weeks ago. My family were there and it brought up some stuff about my sister that I wanted to talk about.

I couldn’t bring myself to say what I wanted to say to my therapist. The end of the session came around and I think she thought I was crying because of my bereavement but it wasn’t that.

It’s something we’ll revisit I guess. It’s so hard to say things that you have kept hidden forever and never spoken to anyone about.

I’m on holiday next week so there might not be a post. I’m going away with my parents and one of my partners. I’m going to try not to fight with my dad. I’m apprehensive about it!


2 thoughts on “MBT Week 16

  1. For me, one of the drawbacks of growing up gender non-conforming, queer, trans*, whatever, is that I learned to keep so much private that I find it painful to share minor details for fear of being judged (my mother was hyper-critical and abusive so silence was the safest strategy).

    When I started seeing my therapist I couldn’t even tell her where I was going on vacation (Turkey), because I made up all these questions (why are you going there?, why don’t you go to Paris?, is that all you can afford? etc.). It takes a long time and a lot of effort to crawl out of it.

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