Being on holiday was weird. I like seeing new places but I can also find them stressful. I didn’t like having less control over when and what I ate. I’ve been weird about food lately. I used to have an eating disorder so that’s something for me to keep an eye on.
I hated being stuck with my dad. I don’t know if I’d go away with my parents again. We argued and every time me and my partner disagreed on anything, he took my partner’s side, even when it was none of his business. I told him to mind his own business, actually. It didn’t make a difference.
I ended up feeling like my parents think I am mean to my partner and he could do better. I ended up feeling like they’d rather have him as a son than have me.
I have a cold and I was ill all week and slept badly. I was also sharing a bed with my partner which I’m not generally used to and I slept badly because of that.
That said I saw some lovely things and for some moments felt more alive than I have in a long time. It also made me appreciate my home and living here just the two of us and not having to deal with my dad nearly so often any more.
These are all important things to hold on to. My main feeling now I’m back is what next? I was working towards the holiday and now I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I feel like the way I spend a lot of the time is pointless. Am I wasting my life just trying to distract myself from painful feelings all the time? Is that any kind of life at all really?
I’m very nervous about group MBT in the morning. It is so weird knowing they all met up last week when I wasn’t there and I don’t know what happened.