Group MBT Week 18

I was so hopeful when I started this therapy. I thought this blog would chart my recovery but maybe it won’t.

Today I told the group about how I don’t know what I’m doing there. I panic because I know we’re nearly a third of the way through and I don’t know how to use the group.

I’m not going to get better because I don’t talk because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the right things to talk about are to make the therapy work, to get better.

I explained how I get so anxious I find I can’t talk and think at the same time. I forget what I’m trying to say or I feel like I’m not making sense so I just give up and shut up.

Then someone commented about how negative the group has been today. But maybe this was a positive to me. Being honest and breaking out of my silence. The rut I feel stuck in. I don’t speak much so no one expects me to speak.


8 thoughts on “Group MBT Week 18

  1. My experience of group was that the process is the main point, as opposed to the content. Or it’s at least as important. So for you at the moment, your struggle with anxiety about speaking is what you are working on in group. It seems really good that you honestly addressed this issue. You don’t have to be speaking about ‘the right things’ to make progress.

    I imagine you have the issue about speaking, either in groups or to just one person, in general, outside of group. I suspect you’re actually making progress.

    Also recovery from something complex like BPD is going to take a while I would think – more than one group, anyway.

    • Thanks Ellen, that’s actually really encouraging. This is my second ever group, and there’s still a year to go I guess.

      Logically I know it’s about the process but emotionally I still find any uncertainty/lack of structure just terrifying. I wonder if that is what underlies my interpersonal fears. After all, you can never know for sure what someone else is thinking, or how they will react.

  2. One thought I have is just about the mathematics. A third never feels like anything to me. That’s totally a subjective view of the proportions involved, but feel free to borrow my sense that a third is the end of the beginning, rather than near the end. You still have the whole middle to go–which could be why you feel worried. Here you are with the first bit over and no idea how to get through the substantial middle. But I’d say that’s fine. We never do know what to do with the middle of things when the middle comes around and we seem to manage anyway. Things tend not to get clear until the end.

    Also, here you were feeling worried about not speaking and then speaking about being worried. That seems like good work to me, and maybe an answer for you. Group is a place to practice getting better at articulating your feelings and thoughts to other people–and look, you just did that!

    Oh, and I used to feel exactly the same way. I rehearsed what I needed to say a lot, which felt really unnatural and obsessive, but seemed to be my only hope. Now it’s magically gone away and it’s generally easier for me to talk about most things.

  3. I completely agree with Ellen and Ashana. I also used to plan and rehearse what I needed to say in the group. Most of my soul-searching was done between sessions.

    Since I have been reading this blog, I feel like it is charting you therapy process and recovery. I have read of your own searching and development. Sometimes we do not realise just how much we are changing until after the event, when we are reflecting. Have you tried reading back your posts?

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