(Individual session #18)

I’m sorry that I’m only just writing.

I’m finding things unbearably difficult and this weekend is an exercise in tentatively trying to keep myself alive.

I fell apart fairly thoroughly following my session on Thursday (I was pretty much there already during my social worker meeting on Wednesday too) but in the following wave of concerned phonecalls and extra appointments attempting to persuade me to stay alive and how to give myself the best chance of doing so I have at least managed to stay out of hospital. So far.

I gave a vehement no every time hospital was suggested because I find it so frightening and claustrophobic. But now I am at home for the weekend, with no support I can access until Monday, shredding my arms and taking lorazapam to get through the day and sleeping as much as possible, I am wondering if it was the right choice.

Keeping myself alive might be a job I need some help with. I’m in a weird mix of agitation with low mood. I’m aiming to get to Monday any way I can and it’s so torturous right now I’ll probably be begging them to admit me.

My partner is suffocating me with his concern. One of the reasons I wanted to stay out of hospital was to save him stress and upset, but maybe this is worse for both of us. He can’t help me if I’m here either but he can see how distressed I am. I feel guilty but I’m doing the best I can it’s just not good at the moment.

I am mostly going back to bed or sitting on the sofa staring into space if I am awake. Counting down the hours because being alive is painful. Trying to sleep my way through life.


8 thoughts on “Aftershock

  1. Growing up, I was always told things would look better in the morning and that tomorrow is another day. Of course, sometimes you feel exactly the same way the next day, but it gives you something to work towards. I really think sometimes there is a value in trying to make the time pass until there is either some solution or you just magically feels better–which happens. I woke up in the night feeling very worried and stressed, so I went and watched really stupid TV until I felt sleepy again (2 am not being the time that seemed best for managing worried feelings). I was just making time pass. So I’m with you. Hang on until Monday when you can get more support–that’s enough of a task.

  2. God Loves You and He Wants You to Live ♥

  3. It sounds very very rough. I also have found watching various DVD / TV programs helpful just to take the edge off – sometime things I’d never watch normally. Anything that takes your mind off the pain for a while might be good. Hang in there.

  4. Hang in and keep writing. When I can’t sleep I listen to music to pass time – either intricate stuff like Bach violin concertos or fluff I can sing along to. Keep going by whatever means necessary.

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