Lots to think about after today’s group. Why am I cutting myself again? Who am I angry with?
I’m angry with myself because I still blame myself for not having the relationship with my family that I want to have. I feel like I should have reached out to them, been honest with them about my life but actually (as the group pointed out) I was protecting myself. Why would I be honest with people who have always rejected me and told me I am bad?
I’m angry with my parents for that. The anger is only sometimes there in glimpses. I am starting to get in touch with my anger which is probably a good thing but it also scares me. I want to get in touch with the true cause of my anger, so I can be less reactionary in my relationships now.
What is the next step in my relationship with my family? Frankly I’m sick of pretending everything is okay and going along with their idea of what our family is like. I’m sick of hiding myself and presenting them with a sanitised version of my life to protect them(?), to try to keep their approval.
I don’t know how much longer I will be able to maintain the facade with them and maybe that’s not a bad thing. I am scared of them rejecting me but I have already survived that in a way. It is what I fear so much but in many ways it is something that has already happened. I fear that they won’t validate my feelings or experience but that is already the case.
I suppose I am suggesting I make myself vulnerable to that rejection all over again, by showing them my honest self, by telling them what it was like for me growing up. My fellow group members think I ought to distance myself from my family, at least for a while. That scares me more than the thought of being honest with them. Why? Because it would break the pattern of them rejecting me and I would be accused of rejecting them instead? Because I still cling to the idea that I will tell them the truth and they will fall to their knees and say sorry and that they love me – that’s not going to happen.
I don’t know where to go from here. I am feeling angry, upset and exhausted. I’m ill again because I’m run down. I am still reeling from being in hospital.
I just want someone that I can call and talk to about this stuff, but I’m too nervous to use home treatment team or samaritans or whatever.
I just want someone to give me a cuddle and tell me that I’m brave to carry on when things are so hard. I want someone to tell me that I am doing really well. Most of all, I want to be able to believe them when they say these things.