Individual MBT Week 20

I’ve definitely got that post-therapy been-through-the-mangle feeling. I am tired and feel emotionally bruised.

I wasn’t great at self care this morning, found it hard to drag myself out of bed so I didn’t shower or eat, just threw clothes on and got on an overcrowded, anxiety provoking bus.

I’m having something to eat now, and a quiet sit down to reflect before I have to attend my volunteering job this afternoon.

We talked today about my feelings of self hatred and I shared my experiences of my mother taking me to the hospital all the time and giving me medications. As a child I idealised my mother as being perfect, even though she failed to protect me.

I did have some medical problems as a child, but now I’m wondering:
– How much of it was caused by my psychological reaction to the abuse* I was experiencing?
– How much of it was my mother desperately seeking a cause for my symptoms in me instead of admitting the way things were at home or standing up to my dad?

I was underweight and very short for my age so they measured and weighed me regularly. I didn’t eat properly as a child and my mum used to put it down to me being a fussy eater, but I think I was distressed and therefore didn’t eat. My mother fed me (prescribed) laxatives. I now suffer with IBS and I wonder if this is why.

I was a bed wetter, I even wet myself at school sometimes and this was another reason for hospital visits. At school I was often scolded by teachers and shamed for this. Turns out I am prone to kidney and bladder infections, but I think some amount of the bed wetting was probably caused by fear and bladder infections could have been because of inappropriate sexual contact.

I had a brain scan when I was 6 or 7 because they suspected epilepsy. I realise now that the ‘blackouts’ they thought I was having weren’t blackouts at all, it just tells me that I had already started using dissociation, even at the age of 5 or 6, to distance myself from my painful reality.

I didn’t even know I was unhappy. I didn’t even have the ability to be unhappy because I had been reduced to a creature of survival. I ask my therapist now, is there enough left to grow a human being from this?

I also feel sad and angry that no one recognised that this child was being abused. I was terrified of everyone and I think how could I have had so much hospital contact and no one recognised some really tell tale indicators. I think “why didn’t anyone help me?”.

I am still struggling with feelings of self blame and disgust with myself. I’m alone all this coming weekend and I’m worried about how I’ll cope.

*Abuse: I still find it really hard to use this word, as though the definition will always be “something a bit worse than whatever happened to me”. This is part of me minimising what happened to me so I am attempting to own this word and use it (from now on?) without apology.

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6 thoughts on “Individual MBT Week 20

  1. You are so very brave for sharing all of this….

    • I feel like I won’t survive if I continue to keep it to myself. Reaching out here, sharing my expenses with other people who have been through the same, it is what I need to do to live. But thank you for saying I’m brave. I don’t feel brave, but I want to be.

  2. My heart goes out to you. I would never, ever scold you for you wetting yourself in my classroom. I would have done the best I could to minimize the embarrassment for you–because that is embarrassing. I am so very sorry.

  3. I know that post-therapy feeling – like we have just been through a spin dryer!

    I also idiolised my mother. It took me years before I realised she was the root of a lot of trouble at home.

    There are specific psychological reasons for wetting the bed (that I can’t quite remember). I’m sure it is related to abuse of some kind.

    Using the word “abuse” and owning it is an important step towards acceptance and healing. Worrying about what others think, is having more confidence in their opinion than your own. Your process of therapy is all about how YOU feel, what YOU believe and what YOU propose to do about it. There might be times when you are a little unfair about someone, but hey-ho, it’s YOUR time YOUR therapy.

    I’ve loved reading your posts. They are straight from the heart and completely humble and honest. You are really using the therapy space to its fullest. There is a lot for you to feel proud about.

    • Thank you, Cat, I always get something from the very thoughtful comments that you leave. It helps me press on.

      I’ve been catching up on your blog lately (hence all the ‘likes’) but it wouldn’t let me comment (possibly a glitch due to me being on my smartphone). But just so you know, I have been reading and it has been good to learn more about your journey.

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