Individual Week 22 and Group Week 23

I’ve been having a really rough time. I still am, to be honest.

Something came up in group last week, some people were talking about experiences they’ve had that brought up memories for me.

I talked to my individual therapist about something I’ve never talked about before. I was left feeling panicked, disgusting and like nothing would ever be right again.

I found it hard to get home, my social worker talked me through getting a taxi and called again once I was safely in my house. I had another frantic phonecall on Friday with my occupational therapist. I was convinced that the police were coming round to arrest me because of what I told my therapist. I feel like I’m in trouble but they say I’m not.

I stayed in all weekend. I am afraid of people looking at me and knowing. I feel that they’ll see what I’m really like. Disgusting.

I had a painful meeting with my occupational therapist yesterday. It seemed unbearable for her to look at me. I felt horrible.

I had group this morning and I was unable to talk. Getting the bus there was a massive challenge. My occupational therapist had told me to take it one step at a time so I did. It felt horrible being on the bus with other people. I feel contaminated.

The group leader tried to persuade me to speak but I felt so awful having everyone look at me. My anxiety was high, I wanted to leave but I was too scared. Too anxious to leave and too anxious to stay in the room. Trapped. I stayed for the whole session. She returned to me at the end. She asked people what they thought of my silence. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. How much does she know? How much can they tell from looking at me?

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6 thoughts on “Individual Week 22 and Group Week 23

  1. Hope you are feeling calmer soon. Group can bring up really tough stuff.

  2. Hang in there. Disclosure is hard (I am assuming it is abuse based but maybe I am projecting my story into yours) and getting air on it eventually helps – although it never feels that way at the time.

  3. Mucho love. I know what you mean about feeling too anxious to stay and too anxious to leave. At my intro meetings, I felt like that half of the time. What I try to do with my anxiety is let it peak because it usually stabilizes itself after that. I found that if I was avoiding before it peaked, then it would keep coming in stronger and stronger bouts. But that only goes for when I know why I’m anxious, if that makes sense. I hope you can find some peace x

    • I guess I should just give up on the idea of leaving group, it clearly just causes me even MORE anxiety. At the time I had visions of me taking forever to pick up my bag, tripping over everything on the way out and not being able to open the door. I thought it would be unbearable to draw even more attention to myself. Thanks for the advice x

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