I’ve been having a really rough time. I still am, to be honest.
Something came up in group last week, some people were talking about experiences they’ve had that brought up memories for me.
I talked to my individual therapist about something I’ve never talked about before. I was left feeling panicked, disgusting and like nothing would ever be right again.
I found it hard to get home, my social worker talked me through getting a taxi and called again once I was safely in my house. I had another frantic phonecall on Friday with my occupational therapist. I was convinced that the police were coming round to arrest me because of what I told my therapist. I feel like I’m in trouble but they say I’m not.
I stayed in all weekend. I am afraid of people looking at me and knowing. I feel that they’ll see what I’m really like. Disgusting.
I had a painful meeting with my occupational therapist yesterday. It seemed unbearable for her to look at me. I felt horrible.
I had group this morning and I was unable to talk. Getting the bus there was a massive challenge. My occupational therapist had told me to take it one step at a time so I did. It felt horrible being on the bus with other people. I feel contaminated.
The group leader tried to persuade me to speak but I felt so awful having everyone look at me. My anxiety was high, I wanted to leave but I was too scared. Too anxious to leave and too anxious to stay in the room. Trapped. I stayed for the whole session. She returned to me at the end. She asked people what they thought of my silence. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. How much does she know? How much can they tell from looking at me?