Yesterday I missed group therapy because I had bad tummy pains and felt very low. I tried to call to let the CMHRS know, but I was too anxious to get on the phone.
One of the group leaders called me later on to see if things are okay and I didn’t answer because I was scared, and I didn’t know what to say. It was the group leader I like the least, the male one.
Today, I made the decision to phone him. I tried to keep an open mind, reasoning that trying to talk to him might help my therapeutic relationship with him, which would in turn improve my experience of the group.
The phonecall went okay. I was honest that I’ve been finding things really tough. At one point I got frustrated because I felt like he wasn’t listening and I took a few deep breaths… he was trying to press home an important point that generally, I’m scared to speak in the group because I’m scared of what people will think of me.
He said he thinks I say helpful and thoughtful things and maybe I should push myself to speak more and my fears might not come true. I’m glad I phoned and tried to open up to him.
I’d like to push myself to speak more and learn to cope with it if people do judge me or are confrontational with me. But this week, this week I just felt that I could not cope with going there, what with being in pain and feeling so low.
I have managed to avoid cutting myself for a week and a half now. The video in my head of what I would do if I did still plays every day, and coping with that is slowly getting easier, I think.