The cat is out of the bag

Trigger warnings: ED, weight

So, my eating issues came out in my MBT review last week and they said I should talk to my social worker about it this week, or basically they’d do it for me.

I’d decided by this week that it was terrible that I had said anything at all about it at my review and that I would NOT mention it to my social worker as I feel safer keeping this stuff to myself. My eating disorder has become my whole world at this point and the thought of letting others come blundering into that world is a terrifying one.

Then, at my meeting with my social worker, out of the blue she says “so are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?” and I thought the others had spoken to her but actually she’s noticed my dramatic weight loss herself and it was coincidence that she brought it up herself just after my review. So after I’d consciously decided to keep it to myself as much as possible, I ended up having to have another intrusive conversation about it.

She’s concerned and to be fair to her she’s lovely and desperate not to push me further into my eating disordered behaviour. But that is exactly what is happening. I was on 600 kcals or less a day and since this conversation I feel the need for increased control, to hold onto it with both hands because I feel like them knowing risks taking some control away from me. So now I’m on 500 kcals or less a day and I’ve planned in plenty of exercise over the weekend.

To give you an idea of the extent of it at the moment, I’ve lost over 2.5st (35lbs) in total since MBT began last April and over 1.5st (21lbs) of that is since Christmas. My BMI is 16.5 and my periods have stopped. Basically, I’m anorexic. I couldn’t stop (without help) if I wanted to).

I feel like I’m floating away from the world…


4 thoughts on “The cat is out of the bag

  1. Such a vicious cycle. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this right now.

  2. I feel like a jerk clicking on the “like” button. What I want to say is I hear you and hope that you can figure out a safe way to end the cycle that you are in.
    I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to avoid facing my history but eventually I ran out of defenses and it all squeaked out. An ugly shameful process but I survived it.

    • Thanks Jamie, yes the ‘like’ button can be tricky, I often use it as “I’m listening” too.

      Glad to hear you got through the process, gives me hope x

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