Holding onto Anger

This week in group I was sort of ambushed about my eating problems. I denied there’s anything going on. Just not ready to talk about that in group yet and I wasn’t prepared for the group leader to hint at it.

Today in my individual session we talked about what could be fuelling the eating disorder. There are feelings brought up by MBT that I just don’t know how to handle. Anger, shame and guilt.

The plan now is to talk through these and maybe learn to manage them in other ways. We talked about my fear of my own anger, how I feel like I’m just like my dad when I’m angry and how that makes me hate myself.

Another big issue I have with anger is getting stuck with it after. If I could express it properly and then move on it wouldn’t be half so unbearable. Perhaps if I could express my anger more effectively/in a way more aligned with my values, it’d be more cathartic/productive and I’d feel more able to move on from it.

My therapist hinted that if I continue to lose weight, the therapy could be deemed as doing more harm than good. She didn’t mean this as a threat but it sort of feels like one. She said “I can’t just watch you getting thinner and thinner and not do anything about it” and gestured to my body. She even asked at one point if I want to be referred to am ED specialist, but I don’t know if she meant it.

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7 thoughts on “Holding onto Anger

  1. If you are dealing with the feelings MBT brings up with an eating disorder, then it makes sense the therapy is doing you harm. EDs are life threatening. Maybe you need a slower and gentler therapy which goes at a pace you can handle without harmful coping behaviour. My two cents. It just seems really important to get a handle on the ED. best to you.

  2. I think that the ED is a form of self-hate, in itself. Like how I sometimes cut myself, it’s a way to express our inner feelings. For me, self care is difficult and treating my body with respect when nobody else has feels wrong. Which I realize is messed up but it’s how it is. To treat your self with respect and show self care means that we have to let go of the energy that others have placed on us. It’s all very complex and at the root of it is abuse.
    Keep the therapy going but ultimately it’s YOU that has to take the first step towards showing yourself compassion and that is done by acknowledging that your body needs and deserves healthy eating practices.
    Hugs.

  3. I just finished the MBT introductory training. Like you, I have found it very triggering. I have also become hyper-aware of the hurt and anger that sizzles away underneath. Getting stuck with that anger is exhausting.

    I would agree that ED’s are a form of self harm, but I do wonder if it also about remaining in control, albeit in a destructive way. For people to voice their concerns so openly says to me that you are already in a danger zone. You’re going through this therapy as a means of recovering/healing from MH issues. It’s important that you also start to heal physically…. and you know what that will entail. I hope you can beat this.

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