Nourishment

Today, my therapist said she is proud of me. I feel it’s important for me to record this here because I’m holding it at arm’s length and not letting it sink in yet.

I told her about the things I wrote about in my last post that have shifted my feelings about starving myself. I realise that I am heading towards death. As I said to her, I feel I’ve turned around. I am facing away from death and towards life. I know which way I want to go.

She’s proud because of this, but also the way I have been talking about my feelings about my family. That I have been having little conversations with my family that ask a little more of them, even if I don’t expect to get it. It’s okay for them to have to deal with my expectations.

I want nourishment and care from my family. I have to face up to the devastating possibility that they may be incapable of giving me this, and that it is their failure to provide this that has made me unable to accept and receive care and love as an adult.

I can still want this from them, how could I not. Denying that it’s something I’ll always want and wish I had doesn’t help anyone. But to keep seeking it at some point becomes self destructive. How much of me starving myself has been down to me trying to show them how hurt I am, as if to stand emaciated before them and say “look at what you’ve done to me”. That is what I have done – and the reaction is NOTHING as ever. I get nothing back. They feel helpless. They cannot give what I am looking for. It is tragic.

Today, I begin trying to nourish myself. Take those tentative first steps towards the life I want to live. It is not recovery, I am not recovering anything I have ever had. It is life building. It is a journey into, towards, and through life – one choice, thought and action at a time. I plan to nourish myself with food and hopefully by thinking more compassionately towards myself. I will also try to let care in from my partners, especially the one that I live with. We may be going together to an ED support group this evening.

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5 thoughts on “Nourishment

  1. That’s a HUGE step. I know it’s hard to believe now, but it’s still important to hear that.
    One of the hardest things for me is realizing over and over that my family is not going to take care of me. I’m an adult, and no one is going to take care of me. I still desperately want that love and care–it feels like a gaping hole in my chest. But over time, it does get a little less painful. There will be days when you find people who love you, and you forget about the hole. I don’t know if it can ever be filled; I’m not there yet. But I know it won’t always be so painful.

  2. I’ve just been catching up with your posts and feel relieved to hear of you deal with the eating issue. I know nothing of eating disorders but have often wondered if it is about taking control, albeit in a desptructive way. But, I also think it has a lot to do about making a statement, perhaps punishing those who are close to us.

    • Yes, I think so. And punishing ourselves. Starving myself for months has been the most drastic self harm I have ever inflicted on myself.

      • Probably a lot of it is due to the therapy and a clear indications that you are confronting those issues….. it is, I’m sure, real progress. I hope I can be as brave when I start my MBT

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