Today my therapist and I talked positively about steps I’ve taken recently to let people (especially my partners) in. She says I’ve been a lot more real with here and a lot more emotionally honest, a noticeable change in the last couple of weeks.
Now that I’m eating again I’m not feeling so numb and distant but this has meant having to engage with and feel my emotions. The first main feeling that came in was sadness. I think I’m sad because my family have let me down. They didn’t give me the start in life I needed, they abused me and told me I was bad and worthless – something I ultimately believe to this day and something that has limited what I’ve been able to get out of my life so far.
My eating and my spending habits are out of control. I’ve been bingeing every day. I push myself to keep eating when I’m hungry, until I am in agony. I punish myself with food. I’m grabby with food, desperate to eat all the things, as though starvation again is just around the corner. It’s hard for me to trust that there’s no rush, that there will be food provided and it will be ample and I will still be satisfied (in fact, more satisfied) if I don’t scoff everything immediately. I’m letting myself enjoy food and eat what I like – but I just want to be able to stop eating when I get full and wait a while before I eat anything else.
I’m gaining weight quickly because of this, something that brings a lot of anxiety. I know I’m underweight and my body wants to reach a natural weight for me, I know I need to gain weight for health benefits and my periods need to start again. It’s not like I’m bingeing whilst being overweight. I’m trying to believe that my appetite will reach an equilibrium when I am eating enough calories regularly and when my weight reaches the ‘normal’ range for me.
My eating disorders unit assessment is on Monday. My social worker says it is good that I have tried to change things myself and that I am eating even though it feels out of control, because that is all more information for them to work with and it will give them a fuller picture of my issues with food. I really want them to help me to develop a totally new, healthy relationship with food – something I feel that I’ve never had.
The WANTING feeling that I’m feeling all the time is what is driving my eating problems and my spending problems. I’ve left my debit card at home today! The wanting feeling is grabby. I have judgemental thoughts that I am greedy. The wanting feeling is agitated and impatient. Part of it might be appeased with craft projects and keeping myself busy in ways that are productive, that give me something at the end of it. I have been baking a lot and trying to give away most of the results so as not to exacerbate the bingeing situation.
What is the jittery, impatient feeling that makes me want so much so constantly? Impatience. I want to create. I want things for myself. Agitation. Anxiety of what happens next. Impatience to get onto the next step. I think planning my time and activities could help. Keeping busy with activities that are fulfilling. Giving myself things including things that aren’t food or shopping. But trying to accept and enjoy one thing at a time and take my days one bit at a time. Lots of deep breaths and reassuring myself i have everything I need right now. I have everything I need right now in this moment. It’s OK.