Curb your enthusiasm

I feel like I screwed myself over a bit in that group therapy session. I was talking animatedly about all the things I’ve been doing because I have this sudden urge and motivation to get myself things in life.

I’ve applied for a couple of different volunteering jobs, contacted my driving instructor about getting my lessons going again and signed up for a poetry slam (why?!). The trouble when I get like this is that I find it hard to remember when I am in an intense mood that it won’t last forever. That goes for good and bad moods – so I risk signing up for more than I can follow through on and burning out.

I’m hoping this self awareness this time around means I’ll have caught it before I do more than is healthy for me right now. It’s good if i can harness the enthusiasm without overdoing it and I think overall this is a positive sign! It must mean I’m on the mend from the anorexia if I’m looking forward to the next challenge!

When I said I feel like I screwed myself over in group it’s just because I didn’t realise but I talked right up to the end of the session. This meant I had no responses to what I said so I have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing people’s reactions. This is good practice for me as I find it hard to tolerate. I need to reassure myself that I’m happy with what I said and they probably think it sounds like positive steps anyway.

Hanging in there

I have been having extremes of feeling and I’m trying to hang in there and keep doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Sometimes more successfully than others. Things like eating regularly, sleeping regularly and activities I used to enjoy, like crafts and walking. I’m hoping that in time that enjoyment will come back.

What brought me here today is that I just read a really good post on a twitter friend’s blog about how it can be hard to trust your own mind when you have bpd, check it out. It’s so true that huge amounts of time and energy can be used up by second guessing oneself and trying to separate which thoughts and feelings come from a painful reaction to a situation.

I don’t think bpd instincts are always wrong, but it’s helpful to have all the facts when deciding how to act and I think part of that is knowing which of our responses come from a difficult history. Then we can decide for ourselves if they are useful for the here and now.

Feeling desperate and urgent

Today my therapist and I talked positively about steps I’ve taken recently to let people (especially my partners) in. She says I’ve been a lot more real with here and a lot more emotionally honest, a noticeable change in the last couple of weeks.

Now that I’m eating again I’m not feeling so numb and distant but this has meant having to engage with and feel my emotions. The first main feeling that came in was sadness. I think I’m sad because my family have let me down. They didn’t give me the start in life I needed, they abused me and told me I was bad and worthless – something I ultimately believe to this day and something that has limited what I’ve been able to get out of my life so far.

My eating and my spending habits are out of control. I’ve been bingeing every day. I push myself to keep eating when I’m hungry, until I am in agony. I punish myself with food. I’m grabby with food, desperate to eat all the things, as though starvation again is just around the corner. It’s hard for me to trust that there’s no rush, that there will be food provided and it will be ample and I will still be satisfied (in fact, more satisfied) if I don’t scoff everything immediately. I’m letting myself enjoy food and eat what I like – but I just want to be able to stop eating when I get full and wait a while before I eat anything else.

I’m gaining weight quickly because of this, something that brings a lot of anxiety. I know I’m underweight and my body wants to reach a natural weight for me, I know I need to gain weight for health benefits and my periods need to start again. It’s not like I’m bingeing whilst being overweight. I’m trying to believe that my appetite will reach an equilibrium when I am eating enough calories regularly and when my weight reaches the ‘normal’ range for me.

My eating disorders unit assessment is on Monday. My social worker says it is good that I have tried to change things myself and that I am eating even though it feels out of control, because that is all more information for them to work with and it will give them a fuller picture of my issues with food. I really want them to help me to develop a totally new, healthy relationship with food – something I feel that I’ve never had.

The WANTING feeling that I’m feeling all the time is what is driving my eating problems and my spending problems. I’ve left my debit card at home today! The wanting feeling is grabby. I have judgemental thoughts that I am greedy. The wanting feeling is agitated and impatient. Part of it might be appeased with craft projects and keeping myself busy in ways that are productive, that give me something at the end of it. I have been baking a lot and trying to give away most of the results so as not to exacerbate the bingeing situation.

What is the jittery, impatient feeling that makes me want so much so constantly? Impatience. I want to create. I want things for myself. Agitation. Anxiety of what happens next. Impatience to get onto the next step. I think planning my time and activities could help. Keeping busy with activities that are fulfilling. Giving myself things including things that aren’t food or shopping. But trying to accept and enjoy one thing at a time and take my days one bit at a time. Lots of deep breaths and reassuring myself i have everything I need right now. I have everything I need right now in this moment. It’s OK.

Nourishment

Today, my therapist said she is proud of me. I feel it’s important for me to record this here because I’m holding it at arm’s length and not letting it sink in yet.

I told her about the things I wrote about in my last post that have shifted my feelings about starving myself. I realise that I am heading towards death. As I said to her, I feel I’ve turned around. I am facing away from death and towards life. I know which way I want to go.

She’s proud because of this, but also the way I have been talking about my feelings about my family. That I have been having little conversations with my family that ask a little more of them, even if I don’t expect to get it. It’s okay for them to have to deal with my expectations.

I want nourishment and care from my family. I have to face up to the devastating possibility that they may be incapable of giving me this, and that it is their failure to provide this that has made me unable to accept and receive care and love as an adult.

I can still want this from them, how could I not. Denying that it’s something I’ll always want and wish I had doesn’t help anyone. But to keep seeking it at some point becomes self destructive. How much of me starving myself has been down to me trying to show them how hurt I am, as if to stand emaciated before them and say “look at what you’ve done to me”. That is what I have done – and the reaction is NOTHING as ever. I get nothing back. They feel helpless. They cannot give what I am looking for. It is tragic.

Today, I begin trying to nourish myself. Take those tentative first steps towards the life I want to live. It is not recovery, I am not recovering anything I have ever had. It is life building. It is a journey into, towards, and through life – one choice, thought and action at a time. I plan to nourish myself with food and hopefully by thinking more compassionately towards myself. I will also try to let care in from my partners, especially the one that I live with. We may be going together to an ED support group this evening.