Curb your enthusiasm

I feel like I screwed myself over a bit in that group therapy session. I was talking animatedly about all the things I’ve been doing because I have this sudden urge and motivation to get myself things in life.

I’ve applied for a couple of different volunteering jobs, contacted my driving instructor about getting my lessons going again and signed up for a poetry slam (why?!). The trouble when I get like this is that I find it hard to remember when I am in an intense mood that it won’t last forever. That goes for good and bad moods – so I risk signing up for more than I can follow through on and burning out.

I’m hoping this self awareness this time around means I’ll have caught it before I do more than is healthy for me right now. It’s good if i can harness the enthusiasm without overdoing it and I think overall this is a positive sign! It must mean I’m on the mend from the anorexia if I’m looking forward to the next challenge!

When I said I feel like I screwed myself over in group it’s just because I didn’t realise but I talked right up to the end of the session. This meant I had no responses to what I said so I have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing people’s reactions. This is good practice for me as I find it hard to tolerate. I need to reassure myself that I’m happy with what I said and they probably think it sounds like positive steps anyway.

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Nightmares

I keep waking up from panicky dreams I don’t remember.

Yesterday I tried to socialise and I managed okay. I think I convinced everyone I’m alright. It was nice to see people again.

I forced myself to go out because I know isolating myself is bad for me in the long term. It has already been four weeks since I was in hospital.

I miss hospital sometimes. I hated it, but I miss the lack of responsibility and the safety. I miss not being solely responsible for trying to keep myself going. I am feeling so hopeless.

I laid awake for ages, going over and over the conversations I had with people. Wondering if I acted weird, if I offended anyone, how do I feel about people? Could they tell how I felt? Did I look odd?

Of course falling asleep through sheer exhaustion leads to nightmares. I crept along the hall into my partner’s bed in the middle of the night. “I’m scared”, I said, “I’m having nightmares”. And he gave me a cuddle, and eventually I managed to go back to sleep.

I had more bad dreams. I was confused when I was woken up this morning by his alarm, not mine.

I don’t have as much support at the moment as my social worker and occupational therapist are on annual leave. From next week my individual therapist will be away for three weeks. It’s daunting.