Dealing with an imperfect goodbye

I didn’t say goodbye to my one-on-one MBT therapist properly in our last session, because I knew I’d be seeing her a couple of weeks later at my care plan assessment meeting. I did cry lots and I did get angry over feeling abandoned and I did say thank you for all the help she’s given me. (She said “you’re very welcome”.)

During the care plan assessment meeting that followed, I was so aware that it was the last time I’d ever see her. I was distracted, hung on her every word and kept staring at her though there were several other people in the room. She didn’t say that much at the meeting and I was disappointed.

At the end of the meeting they all left in one go and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to her. I don’t know how to deal with that. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye properly. I feel so heartbroken.

Why am I focusing on what the last moment with her was like rather than the entirety of our relationship? Why should that moment have so much importance simply because of it’s chronological place? It was not the most important moment of our therapeutic relationship, surely.

What will I remember of her? Her sense of humour. Her words echo in my mind “but you were just a child” – that’s an invaluable gift she’s given me, her voice saying those words when I blame myself for my past.

Her listing good qualities she sees in me – kind, clever, funny. Her disagreeing when I feel disgusting and saying she doesn’t see that at all. Her belief in me, “you CAN do it”, “I think you’re more capable than you realise”, and “I think you’re very articulate”.

I’m scared of forgetting what it was like, what she was like, what have I learnt? What of the relationship can I carry with me? I can’t put it into words that I can come back and reread. I can’t think of anything. It’s not tangible.

I don’t have the answer. I’m not dealing well with it being a goodbye at all, let alone an imperfect one. I’d love to hear other people’s experiences in the comments or on twitter.

Advertisements

Hanging in there

I have been having extremes of feeling and I’m trying to hang in there and keep doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Sometimes more successfully than others. Things like eating regularly, sleeping regularly and activities I used to enjoy, like crafts and walking. I’m hoping that in time that enjoyment will come back.

What brought me here today is that I just read a really good post on a twitter friend’s blog about how it can be hard to trust your own mind when you have bpd, check it out. It’s so true that huge amounts of time and energy can be used up by second guessing oneself and trying to separate which thoughts and feelings come from a painful reaction to a situation.

I don’t think bpd instincts are always wrong, but it’s helpful to have all the facts when deciding how to act and I think part of that is knowing which of our responses come from a difficult history. Then we can decide for ourselves if they are useful for the here and now.

Holding onto Anger

This week in group I was sort of ambushed about my eating problems. I denied there’s anything going on. Just not ready to talk about that in group yet and I wasn’t prepared for the group leader to hint at it.

Today in my individual session we talked about what could be fuelling the eating disorder. There are feelings brought up by MBT that I just don’t know how to handle. Anger, shame and guilt.

The plan now is to talk through these and maybe learn to manage them in other ways. We talked about my fear of my own anger, how I feel like I’m just like my dad when I’m angry and how that makes me hate myself.

Another big issue I have with anger is getting stuck with it after. If I could express it properly and then move on it wouldn’t be half so unbearable. Perhaps if I could express my anger more effectively/in a way more aligned with my values, it’d be more cathartic/productive and I’d feel more able to move on from it.

My therapist hinted that if I continue to lose weight, the therapy could be deemed as doing more harm than good. She didn’t mean this as a threat but it sort of feels like one. She said “I can’t just watch you getting thinner and thinner and not do anything about it” and gestured to my body. She even asked at one point if I want to be referred to am ED specialist, but I don’t know if she meant it.

The cat is out of the bag

Trigger warnings: ED, weight

So, my eating issues came out in my MBT review last week and they said I should talk to my social worker about it this week, or basically they’d do it for me.

I’d decided by this week that it was terrible that I had said anything at all about it at my review and that I would NOT mention it to my social worker as I feel safer keeping this stuff to myself. My eating disorder has become my whole world at this point and the thought of letting others come blundering into that world is a terrifying one.

Then, at my meeting with my social worker, out of the blue she says “so are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?” and I thought the others had spoken to her but actually she’s noticed my dramatic weight loss herself and it was coincidence that she brought it up herself just after my review. So after I’d consciously decided to keep it to myself as much as possible, I ended up having to have another intrusive conversation about it.

She’s concerned and to be fair to her she’s lovely and desperate not to push me further into my eating disordered behaviour. But that is exactly what is happening. I was on 600 kcals or less a day and since this conversation I feel the need for increased control, to hold onto it with both hands because I feel like them knowing risks taking some control away from me. So now I’m on 500 kcals or less a day and I’ve planned in plenty of exercise over the weekend.

To give you an idea of the extent of it at the moment, I’ve lost over 2.5st (35lbs) in total since MBT began last April and over 1.5st (21lbs) of that is since Christmas. My BMI is 16.5 and my periods have stopped. Basically, I’m anorexic. I couldn’t stop (without help) if I wanted to).

I feel like I’m floating away from the world…

Distant

I can feel myself floating away from the world. I’m distancing myself from the people around me because it’s too painful to try to reach out and make those connections at the moment.

I know in the long run that coping in this way causes further pain. I’m trying to dampen that effect by forcing myself to reach out to a certain extent to certain people. Posting here is an example of that.

I’ve been feeling very alone with my eating disorder. In some way that’s how I like it, but I know it’s dangerous to be completely alone with it. So there’s one friend I have talked to about that. I also ended up opening up a little to one of my partners because he was suspicious anyway (we live together) and it was the elephant in the room. Having spoken to him means I can eat separate meals and feel more in control of my eating as well. I didn’t spill everything, just explained that I’m having anxieties about food at the moment.

He said he feels I’ve been distant lately. I don’t feel that he’s been making the effort to connect either. Hopefully having talked about this will mean a start to being closer together. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that.

Painful times

I haven’t updated as much lately because I’m finding things tough and to examine them seems even tougher.

I continue to restrict my food and to lose weight.

Group was hard this week, I had a disagreement with someone because they were making assumptions about people who aren’t parents. I desperately would like to have children at some point and felt very excluded by the way they were talking so I said so. This openness is new territory for me and I feel vulnerable and uncertain as a result.

Other things in my life aren’t going smoothly. I’m hitting bumps in every road just when I feel like I have very little resilience. I just feel like packing everything in and saying fuck you to the world right now.

Having said that, I’m still going to volunteering this afternoon and plan to see my occupational therapist tomorrow. I feel like I’ve stalled on looking for new volunteering work so I don’t have much to bring to the session and that worries me. She’s very supportive though so I’m hoping something good will come from our meeting anyway.