I’ve been finding things very difficult lately. I’m still adjusting to being so much busier, what with therapy twice a week, my other appointments with my social worker and my occupational therapist, my driving lessons, exercise classes, volunteering… It all feels like too much.
After the group session on Tuesday I was feeling in quite a bad way. I hadn’t been sleeping well and I was feeling agitated. I kept laying awake at night going over and over plans of self harm and suicide. I was tired and not feeling safe.
I managed to text my occupational therapist. I find it hard to reach out for support and my social worker is away. Luckily I have this number I can text because I find it hard to call someone.
My occupational therapist got in touch hours later, offering to phone me. I was quite upset and she said she was on duty so it would be her I was supposed to talk to if I needed to call someone anyway.
I was tearful and distressed. She was trying to calm me down and I don’t think she’s heard me that bad before. I told her everything seems pointless. I can’t motivate myself to make good decisions and take care of myself, and she was trying to persuade me to do just that.
She said I’ve been making progress and I need to remember that, and try to get perspective on things. I know I’m really wrapped up in these feelings at the moment but I know I always come round to feeling this way even when it seems like things are going well, so it is hard to feel more hopeful. I feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round and I just want off.
We talked for about forty minutes. She was patient with me and I was probably acting like a petulant child. She was trying to convince me this feeling would pass and I couldn’t see past how I was feeling. I couldn’t talk about how I would cope tomorrow or the next day cause I was feeling unsafe in a very immediate way.
I got off the phone and then my partner came home from work. He made us a cup of tea and something to eat. I decided I would go out the to the pub as planned in the evening and I had a shower.
I knew I was at risk of getting drunk and out of control but I just wanted to go out and to feel something different from how I was feeling.
Showering made me feel better, even though I usually hate it. Usually the awareness of my body makes me feel horrible but I guess cause it’s been so hot lately, the cool shower was a relief.
I got changed and panicked a bit about what to wear, I hated everything on me.
When my friend arrived to pick me up she was in such a cheerful, upbeat mood, and I didn’t want to bring her down so I didn’t let on that I was feeling bad. Her mood lifted me a little.
In the end I managed to look after myself really well. I drank shandies instead of beer and only had two along with a pint of water. I think trying to stay hydrated in the hot weather and avoiding getting drunk even though I drank a bit was some kind of miracle. Usually when I feel bad I go out and have one drink and that’s it – I’m on the route to being drunk and emotional.
I’m proud of myself, I guess, that I managed to do the opposite of what I was feeling. I couldn’t make the situation better but I could avoid making it worse. Actually, I ended up having a lot of nice conversations with people.
Of course, when I came home I was full of anxiety, going over and over everything I’d said, sure that people thought I was horrible for some reason. But you can’t have it all. I’ll take that one. That evening could have gone a lot worse and I ended up not hurting myself in any way, when I was sure I wouldn’t be able to get through it without doing so.
This means that I’m coping with anxiety about an evening where I was not drunk or out of control and a level of social anxiety about how I came across, but if I had been drunk, unable to remember just what I said to people and knowing I might have acted up, the level of anxiety would be so much higher.
- Group therapy begins (borderlionblog.wordpress.com)
- My MBT Evaluation (borderlionblog.wordpress.com)