Hold on to your hats, this is gonna get shouty

I went to stay with friends for the weekend and it was really stressful cause of the food stuff but also I hate staying at other people’s houses. Being around other people full stop is really tiring and given the choice I’d enjoy just spending an hour at once one on one with a friend. Being with someone for three days non stop with little sleep is really enough for me to start hating them. Gonna just try and have some space from them now and hopefully I’ll come around.

I just had a screaming tantrum at my partner. We’d had a mixed evening so far. We had sex but he was too rough with me and made me sore and I had to stop. I was fed up about feeling sore but sort of feeling emotionally close to him as he did apologise. Then I had a shower and then he told me that he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her other boyfriend at the weekend.

I was like oh OK, I’m surprised you felt comfortable but I’m glad you had fun. Then he kept telling me more details and I told him it was too much detail so he stopped. Then he told me about a girl that gave him her phone number and showed me his arm which still had some permanent marker on it where she had written her number really big. I was like ok you’re doing that thing where you have to show off and make me jealous to be reassured I care about you. And he was all oh I’m not doing that Oh I didn’t mean to do that, etc. I’m sick of hearing that! He always denies his bad behaviour and his issues with insecurity and relationships and puts it all on me and my intpretations. Well fuck that, I own my issues, I admit my part in it that I do get jealous sometimes and I don’t want to hear loads about certain things.

So then I was feeling shit but I hadn’t lost my temper and I said thanks for making me feel shit when I was doing ok I need to be left alone to read my book and try to recuperate. He waits about FIVE SECONDS and tries to talk to me again at which point I completely lose my shit and scream at him because I HAVE JUST SAID I NEED SPACE AND HE IS SHITTING ALL OVER MY BOUNDARIES AGAIN.

Ugh.

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Distant

I can feel myself floating away from the world. I’m distancing myself from the people around me because it’s too painful to try to reach out and make those connections at the moment.

I know in the long run that coping in this way causes further pain. I’m trying to dampen that effect by forcing myself to reach out to a certain extent to certain people. Posting here is an example of that.

I’ve been feeling very alone with my eating disorder. In some way that’s how I like it, but I know it’s dangerous to be completely alone with it. So there’s one friend I have talked to about that. I also ended up opening up a little to one of my partners because he was suspicious anyway (we live together) and it was the elephant in the room. Having spoken to him means I can eat separate meals and feel more in control of my eating as well. I didn’t spill everything, just explained that I’m having anxieties about food at the moment.

He said he feels I’ve been distant lately. I don’t feel that he’s been making the effort to connect either. Hopefully having talked about this will mean a start to being closer together. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that.