Dealing with an imperfect goodbye

I didn’t say goodbye to my one-on-one MBT therapist properly in our last session, because I knew I’d be seeing her a couple of weeks later at my care plan assessment meeting. I did cry lots and I did get angry over feeling abandoned and I did say thank you for all the help she’s given me. (She said “you’re very welcome”.)

During the care plan assessment meeting that followed, I was so aware that it was the last time I’d ever see her. I was distracted, hung on her every word and kept staring at her though there were several other people in the room. She didn’t say that much at the meeting and I was disappointed.

At the end of the meeting they all left in one go and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to her. I don’t know how to deal with that. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye properly. I feel so heartbroken.

Why am I focusing on what the last moment with her was like rather than the entirety of our relationship? Why should that moment have so much importance simply because of it’s chronological place? It was not the most important moment of our therapeutic relationship, surely.

What will I remember of her? Her sense of humour. Her words echo in my mind “but you were just a child” – that’s an invaluable gift she’s given me, her voice saying those words when I blame myself for my past.

Her listing good qualities she sees in me – kind, clever, funny. Her disagreeing when I feel disgusting and saying she doesn’t see that at all. Her belief in me, “you CAN do it”, “I think you’re more capable than you realise”, and “I think you’re very articulate”.

I’m scared of forgetting what it was like, what she was like, what have I learnt? What of the relationship can I carry with me? I can’t put it into words that I can come back and reread. I can’t think of anything. It’s not tangible.

I don’t have the answer. I’m not dealing well with it being a goodbye at all, let alone an imperfect one. I’d love to hear other people’s experiences in the comments or on twitter.

Advertisements

Distant

I can feel myself floating away from the world. I’m distancing myself from the people around me because it’s too painful to try to reach out and make those connections at the moment.

I know in the long run that coping in this way causes further pain. I’m trying to dampen that effect by forcing myself to reach out to a certain extent to certain people. Posting here is an example of that.

I’ve been feeling very alone with my eating disorder. In some way that’s how I like it, but I know it’s dangerous to be completely alone with it. So there’s one friend I have talked to about that. I also ended up opening up a little to one of my partners because he was suspicious anyway (we live together) and it was the elephant in the room. Having spoken to him means I can eat separate meals and feel more in control of my eating as well. I didn’t spill everything, just explained that I’m having anxieties about food at the moment.

He said he feels I’ve been distant lately. I don’t feel that he’s been making the effort to connect either. Hopefully having talked about this will mean a start to being closer together. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that.

Avoidance, irritability and hopes for group this week

Someone I know took an overdose to attempt suicide at the weekend. She survived it, thank goodness. She’s not someone I know really well, but it got me in the gut, I guess because it is an act which has been so much on my mind lately. My thoughts are with her at this difficult time.

I’m aware that I’ve been avoiding doing things that I don’t want to do lately. This has meant that instead I’ve been doing some different things to usual (trying out running, and going to new social events), and I actually think this has been good for me.

I’m still struggling with being really irritable with my partners. I don’t know why they put up with me, to be honest,  I’m really not worth the trouble. I just feel horrible inside and being around people that see that, and know me well and demand emotional connection with me seems unbearable right now. At the same time, I’m so grateful that they ARE there, and terrified they will leave.

Now I’m turning my thoughts to group this week, which will be tomorrow. I’m going to try to take part more this week and push myself to speak more. Wish me luck!