Home from Hospital

Was discharged yesterday, thank goodness. I hate that place.

My individual MBT session yesterday was a weird one. Focused very much on trying to figure stuff out in my head rather than emotionally. It’s like I’m trying to reason through the emotional progress I (hopefully) made on Tuesday at group.

I had a really helpful meeting today with my occupational therapist. We have made a plan to keep my eating up and to get through the weekend. I’ll be seeing her again on Monday. I feel very lucky to have so much support.

I’m under home treatment team again and I was really anxious about that but the person that talked to me today was super nice so I’m a bit less worried and a bit more hopeful now.

Last night was difficult, I felt very anxious and sad but realised I was exhausted so I just took my sleeping tablet and put myself to bed. Other than some very bad anxious dreams I slept much better. When I woke up panicking I managed to listen to some music for an hour to try to calm myself down, and even went back to sleep for a little while.

This fight ain’t over.

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Nightmares

I keep waking up from panicky dreams I don’t remember.

Yesterday I tried to socialise and I managed okay. I think I convinced everyone I’m alright. It was nice to see people again.

I forced myself to go out because I know isolating myself is bad for me in the long term. It has already been four weeks since I was in hospital.

I miss hospital sometimes. I hated it, but I miss the lack of responsibility and the safety. I miss not being solely responsible for trying to keep myself going. I am feeling so hopeless.

I laid awake for ages, going over and over the conversations I had with people. Wondering if I acted weird, if I offended anyone, how do I feel about people? Could they tell how I felt? Did I look odd?

Of course falling asleep through sheer exhaustion leads to nightmares. I crept along the hall into my partner’s bed in the middle of the night. “I’m scared”, I said, “I’m having nightmares”. And he gave me a cuddle, and eventually I managed to go back to sleep.

I had more bad dreams. I was confused when I was woken up this morning by his alarm, not mine.

I don’t have as much support at the moment as my social worker and occupational therapist are on annual leave. From next week my individual therapist will be away for three weeks. It’s daunting.