BPD/EUPD, Depression, trust and raw skin.

This is a fantastic post by a fellow mental health blogger, which I really needed to read and I think could be helpful for others with my diagnosis to read as well.

StarkravingInsanity

I had a conversation with my lovely friend Y last night. She was worried about her BPD diagnosis, and she said to me that she fits the criteria and that she didn’t understand why I am so against the diagnosis of BPD/EUPD.

Because I love her, and I want her (and you all) to understand, I am going to try and explain further.

-I have a problem with one of the descriptive words of BPD/EUPD – the PERSONALITY part. I don’t believe for a second that life experiences can alter your personality, or that anyone is born with a flawed personality, like the diagnosis seems to suggest. It essentially says to women, “Hey, guess what, because your personality is disordered, you are to blame for every bad thing that has happened to you,”. That isn’t unlike a certain psychopathic ex boyfriend I once had- he told me the same thing…

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Christmas Fear

Well. Hands up who else is finding the Christmas period extremely tiring and stressful? I’m guessing it’s not just me.

In today’s therapy session we talked about my issues with the male group leader, guilt about my childhood experiences and recent problems I’ve been having in my personal life.

I am going to have a review of how the therapy is going in the new year and today I discovered this would be with the male group leader (and my individual therapist). I am really disappointed that it will be with the male group leader, and I said so. I feel like he doesn’t listen.

This lead to a conversation about how my dad never listened to me, etc, etc, I end up feeling like a walking, talking cliché of classic daddy issues. I mean the group leader is nothing like my dad in almost any way but I guess there could be a connection. I’m trying to keep an open mind about it.

I missed group this week because I was intoxicated. That should give you a good idea of how well I’m handling things right now.

Stay alive, my friends.

Feeling stronger

MBT has been really good this week, I feel like I’ve been able to be myself more. It’s a bit scary but my therapist finished our session this morning by saying “you’re doing really well” which made me feel so good about the effort I’ve put in. I really need that praise/reassurance.

I saw my family recently and it was sort of ok. I have painful moments but I’m still able to enjoy some of the time with them. It has made me a little less afraid of Christmas. I feel like I’ll get through it at least, whereas just last week I felt I really wouldn’t survive seeing them. I feel stronger right now. I wish I knew how to hold on to this feeling.

My Christmas presents are almost all sorted. I hand make almost all my gifts thanks to being skint and on benefits but I’ve made enough progress with my list that I feel confident I’ll finish everything in time. It has therefore gone from a source of stress to a welcome distraction.

Avoidance, irritability and hopes for group this week

Someone I know took an overdose to attempt suicide at the weekend. She survived it, thank goodness. She’s not someone I know really well, but it got me in the gut, I guess because it is an act which has been so much on my mind lately. My thoughts are with her at this difficult time.

I’m aware that I’ve been avoiding doing things that I don’t want to do lately. This has meant that instead I’ve been doing some different things to usual (trying out running, and going to new social events), and I actually think this has been good for me.

I’m still struggling with being really irritable with my partners. I don’t know why they put up with me, to be honest,  I’m really not worth the trouble. I just feel horrible inside and being around people that see that, and know me well and demand emotional connection with me seems unbearable right now. At the same time, I’m so grateful that they ARE there, and terrified they will leave.

Now I’m turning my thoughts to group this week, which will be tomorrow. I’m going to try to take part more this week and push myself to speak more. Wish me luck!